Where Self-Destruction Comes From

For those who don’t believe that our very early years, especially if there was trauma involved, affect our adulthood, I suggest you reflect on where those self-destructive thoughts and behaviors come from. You most likely didn’t learn to think of yourself as a piece of shit or drink to blacking out or hide out in your house binging on doughnuts in just the last few years.

Case in point: Today is the day before my school semester starts. And EVERY SINGLE DAY before EACH and EVERY semester starts for me – from my master’s to my 8th year now of my doctorate – I do the same exact thing. I look at the outline and the syllabuses of my classes and think, “I’m gonna f*cking fail. There is no way I’m smart or disciplined enough to pass these classes."

I start to panic, thinking of all the other things on my plate – workshops, working full time, life coaching, etc., and think “Oh my God, I’m never going to have enough time. Definitely gonna bomb, embarrass myself, my kids, my parents.” And these are strong, f*cking feelings!

Next, I try to look at things logically. In eight years of graduate school, I have gotten two “B+s” and all the rest “A”s. There is absolutely NO rational reason for me to think that I will fail miserably. None! Except some kind of f*cking residual lie I learned about myself when I was a little kid.

I don’t research or openly write about these experiences to make excuses for myself or others who have dealt with trauma. I do NOT believe in excuses. But I do believe that we have reasons for the ways we feel and act, especially when we are being self-destructive. And most of our self-hate comes from the crap we learned about ourselves when we were little.

This is also not my attempt to blame anyone – parents, teachers, peers. I think that most people do the best they can, with the tools they have in each moment.

So, what IS my point? I guess I have two reasons for posting this.

The first is to suggest that you stay diligent to any thought or behavior that appears to come out of nowhere, or that is incongruent with your normal way of thinking. Know that it DOES come from somewhere, but that place is not the “real” you.

Secondly, I think it’s important not to beat yourself up for being a little self-destructive, whether in thought or behavior. This IS typically my first reaction. I get mad at myself for feeling weak or not on my game. But I truly have little choice in the feelings or thoughts that come up. Especially the ones that were solidified when I was a tiny boy. Where I DO have some control is how to deal with them. And the most productive way to do so is to start with self-love. Not in some fluffy, new-age way. Just from the standpoint that you are a good enough person overall. That you have unique and wonderful gifts to offer the world. That you are, at your core, a motherf*cking warrior.