Whatever Happened to Courtship?Why So Many Women Say Dating Has Changed

I keep hearing the same thing from women.

Not from surveys or social media debates, but from female friends and colleagues I've known over the last several years—women of different ages, backgrounds, and personalities.

The details vary, but the frustration is remarkably similar.

"The guys I meet are narcissistic."

"Nobody puts in any effort."

"Everything turns sexual immediately."

"Chivalry is dead."

Obviously, not all men are narcissists. And I'm not convinced men have suddenly become worse human beings.

But when enough people describe the same experience, it's worth asking:

What happened to courtship?

What Does "Chivalry Is Dead" Actually Mean?

I don't think most women are asking men to throw their coats over puddles.

They're talking about something simpler.

Effort.

Making a plan. Showing genuine interest. Listening. Following through. Being attracted to someone without immediately sexualizing the interaction. Accepting rejection without becoming insulting or hostile.

Maybe what they're missing isn't old-fashioned chivalry.

It's intentionality.

The feeling that someone has decided, I like this person. I want to know more about her.

And then acts accordingly.

When Did Effort Become Uncool?

Somewhere along the way, showing too much interest seems to have become a liability.

Don't text too soon.

Don't seem too excited.

Don't be too available.

Keep your options open.

Don't let the other person know how much you like them.

Technology probably hasn't helped. Dating apps, texting, and social media have made meeting people easier while also making people easier to replace.

But this goes beyond online dating.

It's a culture in which detachment can look like confidence and caring too much can make you feel vulnerable.

And genuine courtship requires exactly that vulnerability.

You have to risk letting another person know:

I chose you.

Men Aren't Thriving Either

This isn't simply a story about badly behaved men.

Plenty of men seem frustrated and confused by modern dating too. Some don't know what's expected of them anymore. Some are afraid of coming on too strongly. Others feel invisible or repeatedly rejected.

So maybe the problem isn't that one gender suddenly forgot how to behave.

Maybe we're all trying to navigate relationships without agreeing on the rules anymore.

And when nobody knows the rules, it's tempting to protect yourself by caring less.

Maybe We Don't Need Old-Fashioned Chivalry

Women don't need men to rescue them, and men shouldn't have to perform some elaborate ritual to prove their masculinity.

But perhaps there was something underneath courtship worth keeping:

The willingness to make another person feel valued.

Make the plan sometimes.

Put the phone away.

Remember what she told you.

Ask questions because you actually care about the answers.

Be honest about what you want.

Don't disappear because an uncomfortable conversation is easier to avoid.

Treat someone as a person rather than a possibility.

Maybe chivalry isn't really what the women I know are asking for.

Maybe they're saying something much more basic:

"I want to feel like meeting me actually mattered to you."

And I don't think that's old-fashioned at all.