Why Have So Many Women I Loved Been Survivors of Abuse?

There is something I have wrestled with for years.

EVERY woman I have ever dated eventually shared a story of sexual abuse, rape, or physical violence.

Over time, I realized the pattern extended far beyond my romantic relationships.

My own mother had experienced abuse.

Most of my female colleagues and classmates also.

I know my life isn't a scientific study. I can't conclude from my own experience that this is true for everyone.

But after seeing the same pattern over and over again for decades, I couldn't ignore the question it left me with:

How common is this, really?

The research suggests it is FAR more common than most people realize. Large anonymous surveys consistently find that millions of women in the US have experienced sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, or intimate partner violence. Those studies don't rely solely on police reports because researchers know many women never report what happened.

Even so, no statistic can count the stories that are never told.

Perhaps that's one reason so many people (especially men} underestimate how widespread violence against women really is.

If the women in your life haven't shared these stories with you, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't exist. It may simply mean they don't yet feel safe enough to tell them.

What continues to haunt me isn't just how many women have experienced violence.

It's how many suffered alone, often for years, before telling anyone.

Years of wondering whether they would be believed.

Years of questioning whether what happened was somehow their fault.

Years of deciding that silence felt safer than risking another painful response.

That realization has changed the way I see the women around me:

The coworker who seems unusually guarded.

The woman who has difficulty trusting.

The friend who rarely talks about her past.

I no longer assume I know the story someone is carrying.

I also find myself wondering how many men move through life believing violence against women is relatively uncommon simply because they have never been invited into these conversations.

The research already tells us these experiences are disturbingly common.

What may be even more disturbing is how often they remain invisible.

I don't know exactly how many women have lived through abuse, assault, or violence.

But I do know this:

The number is high enough that every one of us should be slower to dismiss, quicker to listen, and more willing to believe that the women in our lives may be carrying stories we have never heard.

Because if there's one thing my own life has taught me, it's this:

The silence surrounding violence against women may be almost as common as the violence itself.